the night my baby died

20050212_06
Originally uploaded by SDub

so i honestly have had a few lousy
past couple of days, and i honestly
did try to be the optimist with this
whole ordeal and tried to keep
finding positive aspects to
over rule the negative ones,
but last night was just the icing on
the damn cake, and positivity wouldn't
work anymore.

my car died. out of nowhere. i went
back to my car after hanging out with
a friend and it would not start. (and don't
suggest that i left it on or left lights on
or some crap like that...i wouldn't and
didn't do that...it just DIED) then
the starter was making noises that
sounded like a machine gun, so we
were afraid to jump start it. then we had
to push the stupid thing into a proper parking
spot...and that was probably the most
defeating thing for me. i'm so dependent on
my car. i NEED the stupid thing to get me
everywhere i need to go, because there
is nothing local for me. i was ready to cry...
and i don't know why i didn't. after that whole
ordeal, the battery really died, and i couldn't
roll up the window, let alone put the car from
neutral back to park. and when we tried to
jump start it, i only got enough battery life to
roll up the stupid window.

it was so defeating.
i feel helpless. a material thing makes me
feel so helpless, but the thing is, it's a
vital thing in my life. i need it to do all
the things i do.

i have no car.
that was the night my baby died
and it was just the icing on the damn cake.

i can only pray for something to happen
today for it to function, but if it works, i am
just going to afraid that it is going to die
again.

the strength of positivity isn't kicking in right now.

i feel like a fish out of water gasping for air
and the poor fishy can't see anything good
out of the situation.