lights will guide you home

sunset cliffs 02
Originally uploaded by xxblackdahlias

so i'm currently listening to coldplay..
their X&Y album.

i got to do a lot of thinking on my
drive up to ucsd last night.
all i can say is that i am so tired
of being told that i'm the "exact kind of girl"
some of my guy friends would want to
date. i appreciate their attempts at
a compliment, but it cuts me deep.
why? because what it tells me
is that i'm good, but not good enough.
so i don't like it, and i'd prefer to not
hear something like that again.

got to have lauren time yesterday
and that was the pick-me-up that
the doctor prescribed.

my friend is really sick right now
and i guess she passed out yesterday
and had to go to the hospital, so i
am very concerned for her.

i'm gonna buy more prayer board tiles.

my mind is in many places right now.

i got the flutters from someone i did
not expect to get them from.

&&i hate gas prices.

highs:
-lauren time
-talk time with stacy
-watching lost with friends
-unexpected flutters
-bra sale on victoria's secret website
-ordering a new hoodie
-getting to be near God's amazing
creations [[the ocean]]
-hugs
<3

the night my baby died

20050212_06
Originally uploaded by SDub

so i honestly have had a few lousy
past couple of days, and i honestly
did try to be the optimist with this
whole ordeal and tried to keep
finding positive aspects to
over rule the negative ones,
but last night was just the icing on
the damn cake, and positivity wouldn't
work anymore.

my car died. out of nowhere. i went
back to my car after hanging out with
a friend and it would not start. (and don't
suggest that i left it on or left lights on
or some crap like that...i wouldn't and
didn't do that...it just DIED) then
the starter was making noises that
sounded like a machine gun, so we
were afraid to jump start it. then we had
to push the stupid thing into a proper parking
spot...and that was probably the most
defeating thing for me. i'm so dependent on
my car. i NEED the stupid thing to get me
everywhere i need to go, because there
is nothing local for me. i was ready to cry...
and i don't know why i didn't. after that whole
ordeal, the battery really died, and i couldn't
roll up the window, let alone put the car from
neutral back to park. and when we tried to
jump start it, i only got enough battery life to
roll up the stupid window.

it was so defeating.
i feel helpless. a material thing makes me
feel so helpless, but the thing is, it's a
vital thing in my life. i need it to do all
the things i do.

i have no car.
that was the night my baby died
and it was just the icing on the damn cake.

i can only pray for something to happen
today for it to function, but if it works, i am
just going to afraid that it is going to die
again.

the strength of positivity isn't kicking in right now.

i feel like a fish out of water gasping for air
and the poor fishy can't see anything good
out of the situation.

Too Much Time on My Hands

Too Much Time on My Hands
Originally uploaded by iamamandasaurus

no school.
little to no work.
nothing to do yet for the internship..

what to do?
i'm bored.
:[

strength as a weakness

Empathy
Originally uploaded by Pink Sherbet Photography

when my friends hurt,
i hurt.

it hurts even more
when i have no way
to help.

i relate to their pain
or whatever it may be
that my be troublesome
i may not necessarily
fully agree or understand
the full extent of the situation
but...

if they hurt. so do i.

why is that?
what's the purpose of me
having the ability to do that?

my cosmetics have dirty names.

cra5
Originally uploaded by karoczek

so my mom and i took a shopping trip
yesterday intentionally just to explore
the newly opened H&M at the
otay town center (and yes, i got new clothes)
but she wound up wanting to buy me more
things for summer.

"because now you're a starving college student"
she said, acknowledging and accepting the fact
that indeed, i am an unpaid intern. i am free labor
working sheerly for experience and self discovery.
and the thing is, it makes me happy just knowing that
she accepts me and trusts me. that she loves who
i am now, and who God has starting molding me into.

we're still working out my "weekly allowance"
(which i am not stoked about)...i dislike being
financially dependent on my parents, but if
they're willing to help, i am not objecting.

at least they caved to my request of 2 tanks
of gas a "week" (it does last me longer than that)
but yeah.

so anyway, back to the shopping story... on my
mom's quest to stock me up for summer, we went
to sephora because i ran out of tinted moisturizer
and pressed powder... so i grabbed those, being my
usual favorites by Stila, and then she kept wandering
around the store looking for something... when i asked
her what, she said she wanted to find me a complete
set of "summer" make up... i have a blush, and obviously
face basics including tinted moisturizer, pressed powder,
eyeliner, mascara, and countless eye shadows... but she
wanted to find me a lip gloss and lipstick, and she straight
up wandered over to NARS which is notorious for their
their blush called "orgasm" and their other promiscuous names.
and the two she picked out for me were "sexual healing" and
"orgasm", the first being lipstick and the second the lip gloss.
my mom cracks me up sometimes. i feel like me just letting
her be is allowing her to use me as her dress up doll. and
if that keeps her happy and keeps me happy, i am not going
to object in the slightest way. it's a win-win, whichever way
you look at it.

well, off to work.
my last day is officially June 15.
and i am excited.

i love you all dearly.

two week's notice

2008.04.02
Originally uploaded by indie_danielle

i gave my two weeks.
but it will be three weeks
before i get to completely
quit.

at least i will be free
from the company that brings
me joy no more.

it's time for me to move on and
experience more things.
learn some more, and meet
new people.

i feel like a burden has been
lifted from my shoulders.

mix ups.

MIX IT UP audio cassettes poster - actual size detail
Originally uploaded by gfixler

so. i totally wound up SUPER HAPPY right now.
i misread my class schedule for this summer.
instead of an 8 week course, i registered for a 6 week.
and i have a 5 week course.

aaaaand it starts later than i thought.
so in reality, i get 4 weeks off
before i have to go back to school
for the summer...
and even then, i will be done with
summer classes on august 9.

wow.
iiiii totally set myself up well.
um.

wow.

i am a very happy girl.
on top of that, my summer internship
will be bomb.
summer school won't be too hard...
i will only work 3 days a week
until the end of July.

so honestly, misreading something
wound up working to my benefit today.

i get a month of liberty.
go me.

what would you want to know?

letter writing
Originally uploaded by perfectbound

so adam had us write letters to ourselves.
i have never had to do that before.
i was wondering what i should tell
myself in a year.
i wondered what i would want to know.
i wondered what words i wanted to
provide myself with.

and in the end, i settle with asking
myself questions so i can just
mentally answer them once
i read it. just a check list i currently
have in the back of my mind.
did i do all of them?
did anything happen?
there were quite a few..
some babbling, because it's what i do..

but.

yeah.

that was hard.

i wonder what i will think
in a year.

well, i am making an attempt at something..

Working out
Originally uploaded by CMarino

i finally got the motivation to finally
get myself a gym membership.
i went to 24 hour fitness last night
to work with some of my dance
classmates to review our dance
for the final we had today (which i NAILED, btw)
and the guy talked me into buying a
membership..... (and no, i was not easy to convince)

so it also turns out that starbucks has
a partnership with the gym and i got all
the registration fees and all that nonsense
waived... so i only had to pay this month's fees
and last month's dues...and i only pay $34 a
month and can cancel whenever i want without
having to pay a cancellation fee... cuz that also got
waived. so... in the end, i scored.

so now i just need a way to bribe myself into
working out a few times a week.. and so far,
i am doing well on the eating healthy front again.
although i think if you looked at my pantry at
all the food i eat, you'd think i was a granola.
but i am not... i swear.

anyway. one more final left tomorrow morning.
should be way easy.
and then.
yeah.
<3
love you.

p.s. i am so excited now because
james is SHAVING! bahahahahahaha
wooooooT

i'll only get one week

Final Exam
Originally uploaded by ~~Pauline~~

of freedom
after finals.
stupid summer school.
but then again, i must
achieve my goals...
and sacrifices must be made.

many things are happening these
next few weeks. i like being busy.
i am sad that i won't be able to be
a committed volunteer at IC anymore.
i simply will not have the time.
it is quite unfortunate.

i can only work 3 days a week at starbucks
this summer because of school and the
internship i have.

oh baby.
Lord, keep me sane through this hectic activity.
and Lord, please don't let my room short
circuit again.... that was not fun.

love you.

i feel like i could dance all day

The happy dance
Originally uploaded by amberferrell

so, since it is 3:10AM, it is technically friday...
yeah.
thursday was great.
had lunch with robbie and stacy.
chilled with stacy.
chilled at the lounge.
celebrated stephen's and andy's birthdays.
wished carrie a happy birthday.
and, oh yeah..
I GOT THE INTERNSHIP AT FLOOD!
:D

so did josh
and so did scott mc ghee!
i am so excited!

yeah.
sun god today.
pool party.
teching for my boys, too.
<3
love you

national veronica&alisa day!

Sunset Cliffs
Originally uploaded by Windsors Child

went to class.
hung out with alisa.
it was wonderful.
we explored sunset cliffs.
ventured to my starbucks for
a pee break.
had thai food at saffron.
got gelato.
drove up the 101.
shopped.
talked.
sang to music.
took pictures.
carved a heart.
and enjoyed the sunshine.
then community group to top off the sundae.

it was amazing, to say the least.
i look forward to tomorrow's bonding
time with stacy, celebrating two birthdays,
and having a sleepover.

and then friday's pool party&concert.

and then saturday's to-be adventure.

today just made me feel happy and
feel so loved. i know God just smiled
on us today.

and i hope He smiled on you, too.

happy birthday, lauren. i love you!

changing plans

Change of plans... 6/365
Originally uploaded by Rustybuckets

i WILL go to Sun God instead of bail out on that.
i AM NOT going to santa monica...
but i will be taking a drive up the coast on saturday.
and if someone needs to escape, i
will take you with me.

so.

that's it.

time for my interview.
love you.

coincidental consideration

Creative Art Space for Kids Foundation
Originally uploaded by caskfoundation

so.
i find this ironic.
maybe a sign.
who knows.

but... i talked
to the lady
who's youth group
i am interning for
this summer....
want to know what
she will have me doing?
creative arts
&
high school

yeah.
i know.

want to know what
Flood MAY have me
do IF i am chosen as
an intern?
creative arts
&
high school
(i'll find out about the
FLOOD internship today
hopefully... my second
interview is at 2pm.
pray for me, please!)

but.... yeah.
creative arts.
high school.

high school was just
THROWN at me. i did
not pick it. it is not something
i would choose out of my
own accord. but i am accepting
it seeing as that there may be
SOMETHING there that i do
not see, but that God wants me
to see.

summer will be BUSY.
internship+job+school.
but, i have a feeling that
it will be full of learning opportunities.

<3

she walks the line

she walks the line
Originally uploaded by Zenith Phuong

there's a fine line...
i'm still learning how
much is ok of me to
give of my heart...
and how much is
too much...

because i keep allowing
myself to get hurt.
i keep a finger on my heart
which belongs to my Lord...
and it's not mine.
it's His.

i feel so unsure with
decisions lately.
and i really feel that
i need to fast for a day
or two... to figure out what
it is that i am to do exactly
with this International Studies
major.

i'm drawn to it.
i just don't know
what i am to do with it.

i have my second interview
tomorrow. at two.

pray for my heart.
pray for clarity for me.
pray for my to have
the balance while i
walk on this tight rope.

i hope that this works itself out.

hm.

if you'll ask for me

Sunday at Santa Monica Pier
Originally uploaded by say.fromage

that's where i'll be
on my escape day.

today was terrible at
work. it's mother's day
and every female
that walked into the store
felt entitled to everything,
was rude to all of us,
and just did stupid little
things that drove us up the
wall.... and i wound up
having to deal with most
of the people...which was
not fun.

i can't wait for saturday...
my personal day...
i will be a stranger
in a strange place.
i will get to explore
and collect myself.

one plus:
my parents like my friends.

that's the only thing making
me be content right now
cuz people really got to me today

locked

keep it to yourself
Originally uploaded by trixiebedlam

i put my heart back in the
hands of my betrothed.
i can't trust myself with my
own heart right now. it's
not even locked, it's shackled.

i won't be going to sun god.
i need to get away to collect
myself and my thoughts.
it's even more apparent at the
moment.

i don't really have peace of mind
right now. but i need to have it
because it's not my place to
stress over what i don't know.

empathy. a great strength, but...
it makes me too curious to know
details. but i just KNOW!! ugh.

locked.
shackled.
in His hands.
once again.

stop&stare

Road to Nowhere
Originally uploaded by Tony Murphy

for some reason i feel today
that my life is at a stand still.
i know what is going to happen
everyday in regards to what
i have planned and what
has been scheduled.

but other than that, i feel
like nothing spontaneous
is going to occur anytime soon.

i feel a bit distant from God. i kind
of have felt like that ever since the
week leading up to RenewNation.
my whole heart went to that, and now
i feel like there's a lack of something.

the journal i wrote in daily now gets
written in seldomly or when i feel it
has been neglected.

hmm. i felt His presence in me last night
during worship at the small groups and it
felt good.

i keep feeling like i need to change my
plans for next weekend and use it as my
escape days. i feel bad that i will be missing
out on SunGod...but i feel like that is a weekend
that i need to use for reflection and removal
from all things familiar so i can estrange myself
a bit and allow myself to see somethings that are
new...

i don't want to sing these lyrics to myself:
"Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare "

i don't want to become what i can't be.
He will put no limitations in my path
from what i can become.

hm.

maybe this stand still in my life
is supposed to be for reflection
and though process? for me
to firmly plan out what to do
next in the big picture.

we'll see.

absolutely blissful

DSC_0247.jpg
Originally uploaded by phoen1x32

today has been a day full of blessings everywhere.

-dance was awesome
and a huge pick me up.
-no fever AT ALL today.
-congestion was tolerable.
-coughing was at a low.
-patched up an argument with a friend.
-met all 3 film makers at IC.
-made new amigos at IC.
-got an offer for a part time internship
this summer.
-got asked to do a second interview
for the Flood internship.
-grades are good.

everything is awesome!
i am soooo happy!
God is great!

i really want to be in a dance
that is choreographed....
the ones in my jazz classes are ok..
but... not really. they're too... i dunno.
not my style i guess? they're fun but
seem very redundant.

i do have one dilemma tho, but it has
been a dilemma for a while.

le sigh.

good day.

love you all.

How to blow your nose ?

How to blow your nose ?
Originally uploaded by Naser ناصر الرميثي

ok...i literally googled
the most efficient way to
blow one's nose...
and got nothing.

i mean, i got the general
directions on how to
blow your nose...but not
the most efficient way on how
to get rid of the plethora of
mucus blocking my airways
to my nostrils so i won't have
to be a mouth breather anymore..

so frustrating!

congestion is lame.
at least my fever broke around 5PM
today...

and my shift manager took it easy on me
and i'm grateful for that.

love you

i've got a fever

fever curve
Originally uploaded by Desideria

oh yes i do.

and a stuffed up nose.
and a cough.
my voice is gone.

wooo.

not.

at least i slept a lot.

love you

Laren Poole

Laren Poole looking suave
Originally uploaded by ICU_vhs

I got to meet Laren Poole today.
actually, i am watching him speak right now,
he is standing about 10 feet away
and he's talking about changes we can make
in the world, and what he has experienced
lately. he just spent 6 days living in an LRA
camp in uganda.

he's chill. i like the new mission statement
that IC is coming up with. they're sending 42 people
to universities this coming year. cool, eh?

love laren.

sweet escape

relaxing...
Originally uploaded by elfis gallery

i know that i can't exactly take a
weekend to hibernate from the
world yet, or even just to run
off for a bit cuz unfortunately,
time will not allow...

but talking to david, a good
friend that i can relate to last night...
he was helping me think of ways to
find time to myself so i can just
escape and be worry-free for a while.

i think that for me to escape for a bit,
i might actually make that trip up to
santa monica that i've been wanting
to do. i want to go somewhere and
be a stranger, and be completely care-free.
have nothing tying me down or keeping
me weighed down with responsibilities
and stress... just for a day.

at the moment, i am debating whether or not
i am small group leader material. i would
like to lead one and have a small group
where we also meet outside of flood...as friends,
as community...be that support system always.

well, starting at 10:30AM, i will not have an
ounce of spare time anymore until sunday
mid-day.

i wish you all the best.
and i wish peace of mind for myself.